


one star

by dizzy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 04:53:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15307929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: dan is one very unsatisfied customer





	one star

i'm gonna be blunt with you. you've got a good basic product here. top notch quality in the dildo area. doesn't smell like chemicals or weird musk that makes you wonder exactly where it was before. and trust me this is a big deal because my boyfriend is a delicate fucking flower who won't let me within a foot of his arse with anything that smells too strongly of plastic. so plus one for your product there. also good length and girth, no complaints in that department either. solid texture. nice give to it so it doesn't feel like you're fucking yourself on the end of your mum's hairbrush you stole. not that i've ever done that. also easy to clean. all around, in terms of the dildo itself, we weren't unhappy with the experience.

but the thing is. 

the thing is. 

suction cups. 

subpar suction cups. 

do you know how fucking dangerous subpar suction cups are when you're basically married to a six foot two thirty one year old newborn giraffe? if you're going to sell a product that you claim adheres to a bathroom wall and doesn't come loose no matter how much heat, humidity, water, or lube it's subjected to in or around its general vicinity you then it had better perhaps f u c k i n g work 

and you probably won't be surprised to hear, based on my previous wording, that your suction cups did not in fact work. they failed to work so fucking spectacularly that my boyfriend is refusing to even do so much as shower together because he's traumatized and absolutely convinced that he broke a goddamn rib. i'll spare you the details, just be aware that while he is fully capable of breaking a rib under his own impressive ineptitude and lack of spatial awareness, in this instance it wasn't his failing but the failure of your product to do what it said on the goddamn box. i've never seen a grown man look so much like a drunken bambi on ice before. he's traumatized. i'm traumatized. there was trauma all around.

while i don't believe any bones were actually broken nor any boyfriends actually done any grave harm in this reckless oversight of manufacturing i still find it my duty as a consumer to rate you the fuck down. 

and i want a fucking refund but i know i won't have the energy to go through customer service red tape phone tree hell once i spend the next seven hours reassuring my anxious moose of a partner that every sex toy in our collection does not in fact have potential to end us in a very awkward a&e situation in hopes that at some point before i turn geriatric he will recover enough to want to touch my dick again. 

**Author's Note:**

> [read and reblog on tumblr](http://alittledizzy.tumblr.com/post/175934385910/one-star-danphil-rated-m-472-words-written-for)


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